Words Fail...

Mine do, anyway. Put yours in the comments.

Bernese Mountain Fail.

rehoming advice needed

I need advice. I have a 3 year old male berner. Very sweet. Except that he has become extreemely dog aggressive. He us unaltered. Please no mail telling me how worng it is and that that we would not be having these issues if we have neutered. We know. What I need is information on rehoming so that I make sure he finds a safe new home. We cannot keep him. We ahve a neighbor dog who he hates. everytime they pass by he goes crazy. even broke a window trying to getout. He is marking in the house daily right in front of us. I am worried about our child safety. At the same time we know it is our fault and want to make sure we get his needs taken care of. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. We cannot keep him.

You really want advice? GET THE DAMN DOG NEUTERED. Here's some more advice: don't say "please no mail telling us how worng it is" when the furry problem is marking the carpets daily. You know it's your fault, and you just don't care. May your inbox overflow with the stuff called hate mail. You should be ashamed of yourself.

It's super-duper sweet that you're worried about your child's safety, but I don't think I'm alone in thinking someone like you should never have bred in the first place.

Even more advice: learn to spell. You look like selfish lazy assholes enough without your butchering the English language.

I do hope this dog found a home that will a.) fix him, and b.) take the time to train him into the awesome dog that most Berners are.

Reptile FAIL.

My sons were playing with one of our anacondas outside today and got distracted. This is a BIG snake and he can be quite aggressive if you don't know what you're doing. He slithered off, and we have looked everywhere. He's due to eat soon, so he may be hungry and he could easily take a cat or small dog. He could also be hurt by one, so we want him back soon. You can't miss him, he's mostly green/olive colored, doesn't matter, if you see a snake his size call me, anytime of the day or night PLEASE! I'll run right over and get him.

Lost near Shoreline Community College, and hell yes my kids are in trouble over this! No computers for them for a week!

Did you hear that noise just now? That was my head exploding from the dumb here. There are some animals that just shouldn't be kept as pets, and this would be Exhibit A. Here's what Wikipedia has to say about anacondas in captivity. It's the sentence at the end that really drives things on home. Besides, did no one see Anaconda with Ice Cube and J. Lo? Yeah, that ended well.

Hell, I'm really glad that a parent dumb enough to keep huge, potentially aggressive reptiles in the house is smart enough to take the kids' computer privileges away for a week. That'll show 'em!!! Show them what, I'm not sure.

Wait, ONE anaconda got loose? This means they own another ginormous cranky herp. Someone please call the Darwin Award folks so they can track this.

Oh, and if you're in the Shoreline, WA area, you may want to keep Fluffy indoors for a bit.

Bird Fail.

looking for a small pet for a 70 yr old

looking for bird for dad who is 70 year old and now has severe diabetes

cheap or free
would be great

I'm not sure what the diabeetus has to do with anything, but birds can live a long time. Longer than your dad, most likely. But since you're asking for a cheap or free bird (PLAY SOME SKYNYRD, MAN), I'm thinking you already ran the numbers.

Research Fail

Male cat needed to mate with my beautiful part Bengal female!!!! - $40

I would really like to breed my female cat, who is part bengal and part tabby. she is the sweetest most affectionate cat you will ever meet and i would love for her to have kittens to keep my family and her family company. I have 3 other cats and 2 dogs, and they all get along very well. My cat's name is twinkles and she is almost a year old ( this september ). I have done some research on breeding cats, and i would love to breed her between now and december, seeing as she is part bengal, it is best to breed her at a younger age. I AM NOT looking for a purebred cat!!! I am well aware of the great responsibility.
I AM looking for a cat with these qualities/characteristics for i am breeding for temperament and beauty.
- lap cat
-affectionate
- vocal
- good hunters/likes to jump
- playful/energetic
- no orange cats!!! unless they are light orange almost white!
-preferably a short haired cat, OR an exotic long-hair
-LOTS of PERSONALITY!
- enjoys being held/snuggling with
- loves dogs/other animals
- a cat that does something unusual, that makes he.she stand out from the pack!

IF YOUR CAT HAS ANY OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED QUALITIES PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CONTACT ME!!!

I am a cat lover, who provides a loving home to my cats, all of my cats are spayed/neutered except my newest edition and she is so amazing i just want more just like her!
My cats are indoor cats, and have all of their shots.vaccines and have been tested negative for FIV and other diseases.


Oh, Jesus. You know, I've researched a lot of things myself. My favorite thing in the world to look up is truly gross skin diseases. I read those texts for fun. Does that mean I'm ready to start diagnosing and treating funky skin conditions? Hell no.

Lady, just because you read a book or a Wiki article on cat breeding does not make you a breeder. Do you know your cat's bloodlines? Do you know the health history of sire and dam? Are you prepared for some nasty surprises?

Just because your cat is awesome, there's no guarantee that any kittens will be just like her. Don't believe me? Just look around the table at your next Thanksgiving when your uncle is waxing drunk and telling everyone within earshot EXACTLY what their problem is at an insane decibel level, embarrassing the shit out of even dead relatives. I'd like you to wonder how in the hell THAT happened. Aren't genetics fun?

What's the forty dollars for? Are you paying the the male cat's owners or are they paying you? I sense a pimping fail here somewhere.

Thanks to CR for sending this gem in!

Euphemism Fail.

Siberian Husky looking for a playmate

1 year old unneutered male, pure siberian looking for a female playmate.


Playmate, huh? I think what you meant to say was: "I'm looking to breed my dog backyard style and add to the vast number of puppies that need homes."

Of Cats and Kids and FAIL.

Another two-for-one deal today. Sometimes the idiocy comes in pairs and you just have to roll with it.

First up:

Free Female Kitty

I believe she is almost a year and a half old. She is mainly black with some white and has big gold eyes! She loves to cuddle in your lap while watching TV but she also likes to be by herself sometimes. During the day she spends her time watching out the windows and playing with her toys. She is a wonderful cat, I just cant keep her because of my 2 year old daughter. My daughter has become very mean to the kitty so its time to find her a new home. She will come with a litter box, her toys, and the rest of a big bag of food. If you are interested in her please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Followed by:

Cat needs good home--maine coon

I have a maine coon cat named Charlie that needs a new home. He’s two and a half years old now, is micro-chipped, and is de-clawed in the front. He’s a good, loving cat that we regretfully need to find a home for. We’re having our second child soon and are worried that Charlie will paw at the door and wake him up. Our first child, who is 16 months, pulls his tale and grabs at him already, so we feel like our house isn’t the best fit for him. Please let me know if you’re interested. Thanks, Ryan.

These ads test my common decency to the limit, because I want to a.) keep their phone numbers intact for obvious reasons, and b.) call them up and rage. I don't think that would be a very fruitful conversation, so I don't.

I would consider finding the child in the first ad a new home, but that's just me, and I'm evil like that.

The second ad mystifies me. I find it a bit of a reach that these people are really thinking that cat scratching at the door will wake the baby. Excuses, anyone? I think the truth is at the end of the ad. However, I will award a point for the most creative pregnancy related excuse to date. It's still really lame, but I'm glad you tried.

Really, how hard is it to teach the KID that the cat is not to be messed with? Saying "NO" when Jr. pulls the cat's tail is that difficult? You could just let the cat get a good swat in, and I'm 99% sure that the cat will be left alone.

You're also giving the kid a great lesson--that pets (or anything else) is disposable at the first sign of trouble. Let us know how that works out in your old age, would ya?

"Docshound" Fail

We have a twofer today:

my wife and i have a beautiful daple docshound and she needs a good home she is our little baby unfortunutly we cannot keep her because we are moving into a smaller place that doesnt allow pets :( she is a beautiful and a absolute sweet heart and needs a warm place to lay down and someone to play fetch with. she is a little over a year old and is house traind. she dosent houl or bark. she will occasionally wine but thats about it we are asking a rehoming fee of $350 for her and some of that will be coming back to you if after a month as long as she is in good health. if you want pictures text me at xxx-xxx-xxxx and i can send some to you other wise if you want to see her or if you want her text me or e-mail me at the link above.

I'm glad she doesn't houl and that she's house traind. I hate it when untraind dogs houl, don't you? It's even worse when they wine.

My psychic superpowers tell me that whoever buys this dog (excuse me, re-homes) will never ever see a penny of that $350 back. I'm that good.

Next up we have more adventures in Dachshund Dumbassery:

Papered mini dachsund needs good home. Male, 3 months old. Needs shots and to be neutered. Re-homing fee of $600. I am not home enough to take care of him.

At least this is short and sweet. Six hundred bucks gets you an unfixed and most likely untrained (those psychic powers are acting up again) puppy. I'm also thinking those papers are suspect at best, because what kind of reputable breeder lets a dog go without shots? It could just be the way the ad is written, but the inference is that the dog hasn't ever seen a vet. Oy.

Final thought: I find it ironic that neither of these tools can spell "Dachshund," but they had no trouble finding the dollar sign in their quest to unload the dogs.

20 Pound Fail

I am sad that I am having to make this listing but unfortunately I have to. I just recently found out I am pregnant and unable to keep my beloved cat.
SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY Here is a little about him. He is about 5 1/2 years old. He weighs about 20 lbs. We got him from the Humane Society so he is neutered. All of his shots are up to date. Does not have any phsical problems. Just very large. We have only taken him to the vet once since we got him for a check up. He is very loving but takes time to get use to knew things and tends to hiss (not bite) in new surroundings and people. He needs a haircut and his nails trimmed as they grow very fast. Attached are pictures. As you can see he is a lovely looking baby.
He comes with 2 litter boxes (1 extrememly large and one normal), food, litter, toys (scratch post, carpet scratcher, groomer scratcher and much more), travel carrier, and shampoo. He loves to sleep in baskets, under beds, and anywhere he can hide.
Has lived around a very hyperactive Puggle since we got him so if you have other animals he will adjust.
If interested in this lovely baby please email me.


If the reason you're getting rid of your cat is because you're pregnant, be advised that you have a better chance of getting Toxoplasmosis from undercooked meat than you do from cat feces, especially if you have an indoor cat. Unless you eat cat turds right out of the box or garden without gloves or washing your hands, you're probably going to be OK. If you eat cat shit, or get rid of a cat just because the stick turned blue, you're probably beyond help anyway.

Here's a novel thought--get your husband to empty the cat box for you if you're so concerned. What, he was good enough to knock you up, but not scoop poop? Don't worry, he'll get "use" to "knew" things.