Good Intention Fail

Would anyone be interested in a Dorkie?

She turned a 1 yr old in February, her name is Zeba which means power of Zeus. She is a Dorkie, half Dachshund and half Yorkie. Both of her parents are purebred. I bought her when she was 6 weeks old with the best of intentions. Unfortunately, a busy working life with kids, sports, and husband does not permit the time that she deserves. She is a sweet dog and I want her to go to a good loving home where she can be spoiled. She is a pretty quiet dog, wants lots of love, weighs about 4-5lbs, not potty trained as she has not been allowed in the house due to factors that do not involve her. The longer I keep her the guiltier I feel. If interested, please let me know. Serious inquiries only.

Strike one: it's a mutt. Say it with me, class--just because the parents are purebred, cute names don't change what the dog is. And before anyone thinks I'm anti-mutt, I'm not. Mutts are awesome. Calling them something else is just stupid.

Strike two: the no time excuse. I think I've heard this song before. It's got the same shitty beat and I still can't dance to it.

Strike two-and-a-half: no mention of a re-homing fee. But since you went to great lengths to explain that the dog's lineage is in fact purebred, I'm guessing it's more than a hundred dollars you want for your well intentioned failure.

Strike three: the dog isn't potty trained because IT WAS NEVER LET IN THE HOUSE. But that's OK, there were other factors at play (*giant eyeroll*). Of course you feel guilty, you let that dog live outside because you didn't have the time (poor you), or inclination, or whatever to train, much less care for this animal. I'll even go waaaaay out on a limb and bet there's health problems up the wazoo with your Dorkie. You probably don't know any better than I do, since you never really let it share your house.

I'm glad you had good intentions. I'm sure that will really help the new owner fix all the damage you caused.

Chinese Crested Fail

She is about 10 months old, house broke and really sweet. She needs a good home, has had shots and has been wormed. The attached picture is when she was about 8 lbs. She is such a loving puppy and is great around children. I am asking 500.00. She is a unbelievable animal and I hope to find her an amazing family. Please call xxx-xxx-xxxx.

In other words "I paid 500-1,000 dollars for this dog, and it's not working; but I'm a jackass who'd really like to recoup my money, even if it violates the CL TOU for the pet section. Won't you please buy my sweet puppy?"

I guess I should be glad there are no jerkoff excuses as to why they're getting rid of the dog, but the price tag kind of says it all.

How to Fail Your Pet in a Few Easy Steps

1.) Ask for an astronomical adoption/re-homing fee. You want $300 bucks for that pom-a-pug or chiweenie? What's that, it's not fixed? And you don't know when it last had shots? Bravo, jackhole, you just consigned that animal to the pound (which gives you spaying, shots and microchipping for your money). This mainly applies to my favorite treasure trove of duh, Craigslist.

2.) Make up cutesy sounding names for what is essentially a mutt. Pom-a-pug? Mutt. Labradoodle? Mutt. And don't go saying that "Trixie's mom is an AKC Pug and her father is an AKC whatthefuckever." The end result--the one you're trying to sell--is a MUTT.

3.) Give a tired excuse for why you're dumping the animal. The number one excuse here is "we just had a baby and don't have time for our cat (dog, gerbil, etc.) anymore." Really? Cats don't take up much time. If you train them right, dogs don't either. I hope someday your child doesn't have time for you. See ya in the home, wondering why Jr. doesn't call, write, or visit.

My other favorite excuse is that you're moving somewhere they don't take pets. Or you got a pet and can't have it where you are. I'm not the world's brightest bulb, but how hard is it to find a place that will take pets? Not very. It may take a bit more searching, but I've got two cats with me in an apartment right now that say it can be done. And it takes very little skill to check a lease and ask a landlord if pets are allowed.

4.) Don't disclose any medical problems or bad habits the animal may have (while asking for a shitload of money). Congratulations, you've just put that pet on the express bus to euthanasia. No one wants to unwittingly inherit a bunch of problems. Tell prospective homes what the issues are and let them decide if it's something they want to take on.

Follow all of these steps to the letter, and I'm sure we'll be seeing you here soon.